Monday, May 4, 2009

(In)Security Check- Flying to Gigs

I was in Albany, New York, this weekend for a gig. The group was flown in for it.

I fly quite regularly being on the road with Lonnie Brooks. At this point, I'm an expert in dealing with all of the b.s. and hassle that is now required for air travel in the U.S.

Flying used to be fun, by the way. Especially for gigs. But not so much anymore.

So paranoid are we. When I say we, I mean America. For some reason, after 9/11 (which, I still say, had to have been an inside job. Box cutters? C'mon), we were hoodwinked to believe that we needed this illusion of security. Take off your shoes (rarely do you have to do this in countries outside of the U.S.), take your computer out, take the stick bag out and open it, make sure your shaving cream is in a ziploc bag, no water or coffee or sodapop allowed (that you haven't bought in the secure area at the airport, that is), yadda-blah-alright-already.

We can carry lighters again, though. I've already had my party to celebrate that one. Sorry if you missed it.

Today I had to go through the blower machine that tests for chemicals or fertilizer or explosives or something. Maybe dog doo. Who knows. Funny, but I was the only fool that was "randomly" selected (yet again) to stand in "the pod". I actually asked a TSA person why I was the only one to go through it (always risky to talk to them. You could easily be arrested and probably water boarded) and she said that it was just random, of course. But if I was the only person to go through, that means everyone else didn't.

Or no one else did. Whichever you prefer. The glass is half empty or half full. Pick one.

Anyways,the TSA agent said they didn't have time to do it to, with, or for (whichever you prefer) everyone. Planes gotta be on time, you know, and time is money, which obviously trumps security.

You've heard about the economy not being so healthy these days?

Speaking of the economy, you have the option of paying some membership fee (congratulations, you're a Member) with the airline (that's a private company, right?) so that you can have a quicker, more convenient security soiree. You know, just sign here, give us a fingerprint and retinal scan, and, of course, pay up sucker.

The (no frills) airline I flew today also includes a free (huh?) drink in their membership "package."

So, to summarize, I was the only person out of several dozen, if not a hundred, people who had to stand in some machine (likely with a very, very steep price tag) to be probed in whatever way I was probed (at least I didn't feel anything) so that everyone was able to feel secure and be on time. The performance by the TSA was compelling and impressive at the same time.

Applause, applause.

The Members might have appreciated it most of all.

So it goes...

1 comment:

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